Graduation...

Tomorrow signifies an end to the past four-year phase of my life. I will graduate with a B.Sc. Chemistry and continue my journey. A few days ago, driving back to my Rez room in King's, I realized that would be one of the last times I see King's from a distance and feel like I'm coming home. I will probably come back to say hello to a few people, but King's will never be my home again. Everything will be different. New building will have been constructed. Some nerd will be living in my room. Someone will be messing up my chemistry labs. Gradually, staff and faculty will be replaced by new staff and faculty. Starting with the president. My locker won't contain my lab coat and pocket protector containing my liquid sharpie with rubberized grip. Someone will be in my parking stall. Someone will be taking mail out of my mail box. Someone else will spend the early hours of the morning in my study room. Someone will wake up in my bed.

This week I have said goodbye to many people. I don't know which ones I will see again, or how close we will be when we do finally see eachother again. Maybe some could care less if they ever see me again. Maybe I could care less if I ever see some of them again. Why don't I let myself cry?

I am a traveller. Where have I been? Where am I going? Where will I rest? Where is home? I don't know.

Lily...

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"Lily (My One and Only) ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Lily, my one and only
I can hardly wait till I see her
Silly, I know I'm silly
Cause I'm hanging in this tree
In the hopes that she will catch a glimpse of me
And through her window shade
I watch her shadow move
I wonder if she.........?
Lily, my one and only
Love is in my heart and in your eyes
Will she or won't she want him?
No one knows for sure
But an officer is knocking at my door
And through her window shade
I watch her shadow move
I wonder if she could only see me
And when I'm with her I feel fine
If I could kiss her I wouldn't mind the time it took to find
My Lily, my one and only
I can hardly wait till I see her
Oh Lily, I know you love me
Cause as they're dragging me away
I swear I saw her raise her hand and wave (goodbye)
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Telephone Booth...

Here's a song I've always like since grade 8, doing puzzles in the basement with Dave. Very mellow atmosphere and a nice, simple piano solo near the end.

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"Standing Outside A Broken Telephone Booth With Money In My Hands" ~ Primitive Radio Gods

I've been downhearted baby
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met
Ever since the day we met

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore and touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we've never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa's joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

I've been downhearted baby
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met
Ever since the day we met

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days
I lived awake but half asleep?

A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourselves in zebra's flesh

I've been downhearted baby
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met
Ever since the day we met
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Chickadee...

Fueled only by a burger and armed with my Powershot, I headed to the river valley. I was there last night too. Seems I'm turning back into the recluse I used to be. Nobody understands me as well as I do, so why bother? A came to a sudden realization this afternoon. Contrary to popular belief, Edmonton is the most beautiful city in the world. Two days ago I thought it was mostly ugly. Edmonton is home, even if I never live here again. I climbed a tree on the side of the river. I miss my younger days, where I could climb a tree with getting funny looks from people. I felt free up high. I meandered west down the river, through the trees and bushes. I came to some sort of concrete drainage pipe. I looked in. Cold air met me and the slight smell of rot. I decided to go in. After about 3 meters in I couldn't see much anymore. Not wanting to stumble across some stray animal in the pitch black, I decided to retreat and return one day with a flashlight. I continued east. Every time I put my camera away I had to take it out again. I realized that each step I took was an extra step need to get back. But I kept going. For awhile. I called it a day, that's when the fun began. 20 meters from my van, I saw a small bird pirched on the edge of a tree. It was reaching into a whole and getting bugs. Sometimes the only part you could see was the tip of the tail feathers. I moved in with my Powershot. Got a couple pics, but it flew away. Then it came back. Again and again. For awhile there were two birds. In the woods I saw a dog staring intently up into a tree. I had to investigate. Chattering away was a squirrel. The dog wasn't impressed. Went back to see how my bird friends were doing. Continued moving closer. It would fly away, but then come back. Eventually I had my camera within 2 feet of it. A passerby later thought it was a type of chickadee. I headed home, happy and content. Radio says: "Without love life is gone. Without life love goes on and on."

Wanderings...

Sometimes, you can't hear the birds sing until you stop and listen for it. After that you can't unhear it and you can't understand why you weren't hearing it before.

I watched the sunset from the library window and wished I was there. Where's there? I haven't found that out yet.

Went for a bike ride at around 11. Realized what a rush it can be to be cold.

Saw a rabbit on the way back. I hope to go back out tonight and try to photograph it.

Here's a poem I wrote a couple years ago after an especially inspiring bike ride.

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"Midnight Ride" ~ Samuel J. Zondervan

I am alone.
At times like this I flee the burning city lights
Of a world that has rejected me.
The cool, spring night air bites my flesh
And fills my lungs.
The rushing air numbing my skin
As I descend into the gloomy depths of the night.
I waver, look behind, stop.
Darkness envelops me; silence engulfs me.
Brief indecision, followed by grim determination.
I continue my descent
Into the Forest of Loneliness,
Listening to the quiet murmurs of the ancients.
And now I stand above the swirling current,
Hearing the water playfully tickle the shore,
The glossy surface reflecting a distorted world.
My gaze wanders to the starry expanse
Into the round face of the moon—
Distant, lonely, cold.
We share a quiet moment of understanding, friendship,
And then the grey clouds hide her face.
Both parties shed a tear;
I am alone.
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No reason to cry...

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"No Reason to Cry Out Your Eyes" ~ Hawksley Workman

The brake lights
Are really quite lovely
Thousands of souls
All stopping together

On the highway tonight
There's no reason to cry out your eyes

The city
starts fading behind us
Thousands of souls all wishing
Things were better

Sadness
is waiting to happen
for people like us
not sure where we're going

watching the fading
watching everything go by

Sadness
Is all that ever happens
But we have our eyes
Set dead on the ocean

Minesweeper revisited...

My paper is almost finished. I reinstalled minesweeper. My roommate Rhys and I, playing simultaneously on our separate computers, had the brilliant idea that we could compete against eachother. We give eachother 10 free clicks to get going, then the first one finished wins. Or, if we both die, most mines cleared wins. He wins more than me, but I had a very strong last stretch. We were thinking that there could be a multiplayer minesweeper where each person has a separate mouse, so my roommate and I could work on different sides and speed up our time. We could host LAN parties. We could compete in international tournaments and become world renown. People would watch on ESPN. Rhys says we could go to minesweeper anonynmous meetings.

Tomorrow I have both 80 min stats class and 80 min stats lab. I'd rather play minesweeper.

Wouldn't you?